Lagos - Is this real love, or are you on a shortcut to
a private hell of abuse? Here’s how you can tell.
Love is blind – especially when you’re head over
heels. But real danger could be lurking behind the
flowers.
Abuse comes in many forms (emotional, sexual and
physical). For an abuser, relationships are about
control and possession and jealousy, but never
love.
You may be able to escape and spare yourself a
broken heart and a black eye if you look out for the
following warning signs:
Too much, too soon
You’ve known the guy for less than a few weeks and
he is starting to talk about moving in together, or
marriage, or about kids. You feel flattered, but
pressurised, and he keeps pushing.
If he’s pushing for commitment long before you’re
ready to do anything of the kind, this guy is mightily
insecure and is looking to formalise your
relationship to give him a sense of worth and
accomplishment and ownership over you. For him,
this is not about your happiness. '
Heart-lung machine
He wants to be with you all the time, and if you
want to spend some time with your friends, he tags
along whether he is invited or not.
He plans your weekends, your evenings and springs
surprises on you. But he never really asks what you
want to do.
You start to feel a bit claustrophobic, even though
the attention is initially flattering. You start to get
the feeling that his whole life is about this
relationship.
Gifts galore
He showers you with gifts – some of them huge and
expensive and inappropriately large. This makes
you feel uneasy. He is doing this to create a sense
of obligation in you.
It’s difficult to say no to someone who is so
generous to you. The odd bunch of flowers is fine,
but jewellery and designer items are inappropriate
at the beginning of a relationship.
Oh, it’s you
He shows up at your work constantly and comes to
your home uninvited on a constant basis. This is a
dangerous sign, as these could be the beginning
stages of stalking behaviour.
It’s not so much that he wants to see you – he’s
checking up on you.
Telephone terrorist
He phones constantly (in fact, he probably phoned
you the first time the very day after he met you)
and sends text messages all the time. This is a
preamble to possible future controlling/stalking
behaviour. He gets agitated when he can’t get hold
of you.
Your friends/family express reservations
More than one friend tells you to take it slowly.
They can’t quite put their finger on it, but
something about this guy bothers them. They might
even find him a little creepy, but are too polite to
say so.
Temper, temper
He has road rage attacks, and is aggressive to
people who do not do exactly as he wants them to.
He feels he is right about everything and things that
go wrong are always someone else’s fault.
This guy has serious ego and control issues and is
paranoid. He breaks things. The message behind
this is clear: this is what happens when I don’t get
what I want, and you could be next.
He has few long-term friends
His friendships all seem relatively recent. He fights
with everyone and they stop being his friends. Once
or twice, OK, but all the time? He will be fighting
with you next. That’s a promise.
He is also quite secretive about his own life,
friends, family and connections and says only nasty
things about his exes if he speaks about them at all.
This guy has a history he doesn’t want you to find
out about.
He isolates you
He makes it uncomfortable for friends or family to
visit, and starts isolating you by criticising everyone
you know, or telling you they are not good for you.
This is done very subtly, and is often noticed by
others before you pick up on it. He also starts
belittling you in front of others.
Jealousy makes you nasty
He watches your every move and starts accusing
you of flirting with other men, or cheating on him.
He starts to try and exercise control over what you
wear, how you do your hair, where you go and with
whom. If you don’t comply he will start to insult you
and possibly even start calling you names.
Get out, and get out fast. It gets more and more
difficult the longer you stay. And no, nothing you do
is going to change or placate this guy. He doesn’t
want to be placated. Don’t even try. Just run.
-Women24
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